29/06/27 Energions
“Energions are real, and I will prove it!”
The group of physicists was waiting for the next speaker, Doctor Spleen. The room stayed silent.
“Energions are bosons of pure energy. They have no mass, and no spin. I will use them to create a source of virtually infinite electric power. It will be called the Energengine, and it will be operated by energengineers.”
Energe waited again for some reaction.
Still nothing.
“What is my prediction for its charge? Why, what an interesting question! First, by the equation of the punctual charge, we know that a single electron generates a field of 0.000000001 Newtons per Coulombs at a distance of one meter. Second, I claim that the radius of an energion ranges from null to that of an electron, which is about 0.2 picometers. Therefore, the upper bound of its charge is infinite, following an exponential curve, and we can assume its lower bound to be 36 quadrillion Newtons per Coulombs! In contrast, the largest dam ever built, Moon Dam, which was partially responsible for the eventual collision of the Moon unto the Earth, an event known as ‘The Earth Landing’ generated at its peak 4000 megawatts per seconds. Four thousands is much smaller than thirty-six quadrillions!”
Energe started to laugh, attempting to inspire a similar emotion amongst his colleagues.
“My daughter was in Tanzania when the Moon collapsed.”
“Uh.. Ok.. Well, Frederick, there was plenty of warnings before the actual collision! It’s not my fault!” replied Energe, displeased by the nature of the interruption.
“Oh, I know. She wanted something ‘special’ for the way she died. I miss her.”
Frederick started sobbing on the adjacent shoulder of a supportive friend.
Nonetheless, the ice was now broken. One physicist remarked, exasperated:
“The equation of the punctual charge is not intended to be used like this. Batteries don't get stronger when you cut them in half.”
A few in the audience chuckled.
“Hey! Hey!” asked one of them, eager to get a few laughs now that the machine had started, “what are your names for the quarks again?”
“The up quarks are toleys, mutons, and tautons. The down quarks are frowleys, frowmions, and frowtons.”, answered Energe.
The seriousness of his reply incited a few additional laughs; yet the majority was bored.
“I further claim that energions may be the critical element required to build a functional time-traveling machine. And such a device would clearly possess a variety of uses, including a form of faster-than-light space travel, and hyper-recursive biological evolution.”
“Have you built a functional machine?” asked Doctor Rope, whom had preserved a straight lisp, if not a straight hair.
“It is my hope to convince some of you to back me for a grant to that effect.”
Energe was envious of Rope. “Ropions” was a decent word to mean “Energions”, and the man was born with that name! Energe had changed his from Timothy-Sebastian Chancellor, as a prelude of the discovery he was confident he would make. Now his full name was Energe.
At long last, Doctor Spleen reached the parking lot! Many of the scientists assembled rose from their seats, giddy; meanwhile Energe was hushed offstage by the security personnel. He resisted a bit “He is not even here yet! He is in the parking! Allegedly!” - to no avail.
Energe wondered vaguely about this group of men having organized teams of scouts to monitor the perimeter of the building, doing so without any forward knowledge that it could become useful, on that day, to behave in such a coordinated way. Energe chose to leave the event, as it would be embarrassing to be referenced by Doctor Spleen once he would be on stage, and to be made an object of mockery in front of everyone.
He swore to himself that his machine would work.
TWO YEARS LATER
“The world stands puzzled at the revelation of the existence of a new fundamental particle. Indeed, Energions, as they are called by their discoverer, are inside everyone and everything, just like atoms, but smaller! My guest is Mr. Energe. Welcome!”
“Welcome to you!” replied Energe, anxious. The television studio’s audience was fanatically clapping at him.
“Ha-Ha! Maybe you want to exchange seats?”
Laughs.
“No! I want to welcome! Welcome all scientists to visit my laboratory! To a special tour! This is my invitation!” Energe appeared to improvise.
...
The appetizers consisted of a few bags of chips; there was not enough instant meals to feed all the guests, and so a few scientists pooled a car to do grocery shopping.
The studio apartment was too small, and the visitors took turns inside. The neighbors got curious themselves, and mingled with the ones waiting in line.
Around the small square table, Energe attempted to illustrate the functioning of his machine to the ten to twelve whom had line of sight.
“It is simple really. And I call it Energion, after my name. So, the idea is to take two pictures.”
Energe took two pictures, one in both hands: one portrayed a lake, another a mountain.
“Take some glue.”
Energe liberated his right hand and awkwardly glued the back of the picture remaining in his left hand. Then he glued both pictures together, each with their scene exposed outward.
“When gluons are applied between two photons, in this viselike, sandwich-like form, then also, important, the photons are like a magnet! So it matters that both touching poles are of the same sign, either positive or negative - that is to say, either both or none of the images should be visible.”
Energe inserted the glued pictures into a metallic device. He then pressed a button, and a very bright light appeared, showing as a great energy reading on the independent instruments brought by guests.
“Then we may generate a profit in the future. Their money is energy. They send it back here.”
The scientists were baffled that it worked.
“So... this is actually a time traveling machine?” asked Dr. Rope.
“Yes. A time traveler gave it to me, after I had discovered the gluon-photon principle.”
“Is this... remuneration for entertainment? Do they accept other forms of currency?”
“To my understanding, they prefer reminders of virginial, terrestrial environment, such as forests, bodies of water, wildlife... I presume their interest primarily stems from a mix of absurd humor and a desire to feel superior.”
“Superior? This is all they do with a time machine?”
“They must be your descendants.” spoke Energe.